Waring - it's a long chapter and can be traumatising

Neitra

"Please drive slowly", I request driver uncle after settling in my car, on my way to the hospital.

Laying my head on my seat, the first thing that comes to my mind is, Ambika's frightened face when she saw me yesterday.

"I need some air", I had ran behind her into the backyard.

"Ambika! Do not run this time."

Her eyes had turned glossy and she constantly looked around as if someone was keeping a watch on us.

"Is this the place you .....you..work."

Please say no.

She nods her head.

"Why are you still here", I whispered gasping.

Her fingers fisted the hem of her ragged suit. Sweating hard she said, "He won't ....let ...me leave."

"Who?" I asked holding her shoulder. "I'm here don't worry. I'll take you away."

She shaked her head crying silently. And at that point I had noticed her face, her dark hooded eyes which witnessed her constant agony. And her health had started to deteriorate.

Would she even survive?

I asked the question that was eating my head since I watched her in the hall.

"Is it....is it him?....is it Ashok?"

That moment I knew I triggered something huge.

"Please...please take me away, Didi please...... take me away", she had fallen onto my feet rubbing her nose.

My heart hurt and it nearly had burst. "Ambika no! Get up."

With my own eyes tearing up I dragged her onto her feet.

"Listen ...listen....we need to leave", come. Wiping her tears, I had held her hand hurling her towards my car.

"What's happening here?" Both of ours feet froze.

I watched Ashok's wife storming towards us.

"Where are you taking her?" Radhika asked sternly.

"Where she would be safe", I gritted my teeth in anger.

Shielding Ambika behind me, I glared at her.

"What do you even think of yourself? Leave ...her", she tried to push me away and tried dragging Ambika towards her. "You can't take her anywhere."

"You know everything, don't you", I wanted to kill that woman then and there.

Her hands stopped struggling and she hid her eyes from me. The eyes that were bruised and it looked as if they didn't take any medical attention.

Ambika cowered close to me while my eyes caught a look at Radhika's waist which had a long elongated dark bruise.

Even darker than the one near her eyes.

Those clear marks of domestic abuse were enough to justify as to why she didn't want Ambika to leave.

"Why don't you leave him?" I asked raged.

Why is everyone so scared of him!

"Let me leave with Ambika", I warned her. "If you want you can come with us too. We'll take the help of the police."

"Nothing would change", she said devoid of any emotion. As if she had tried everything before. "Police never comes on time."

I heard the same phrase. The one that I heard from Ambika and the one I heard from Ashok's mouth just now.

They were his words.

His words to show his power.

"Ambika get inside the house!" She shouted at her.

"How could you? Are you a woman! She .....she is a....child." My voice shook.

"Humesha aag bujha nahi sakte kabhi kabhi ankhon ko band krna pdta hai aur muh ferna padta hai." She said tugging on Ambika.

(We can't extinguish the fire all the time. If it hurts you, close your eyes and turn your face away.)

And I was hearing a woman say all this.

"I'll kill you if you do not let her leave", I threatened her.

"He will kill both of us if I let her. And I would consider you to think again. You have your husband sitting in front of him."

Abhay.

My fingers loosened on her grip.

And Ambika was ripped from my arms and hurled inside the cage again.

"Didi....please", I stood there.....doing nothing.

"Madam!"

"Huh?" I open my eyes at the sudden call. It was no less than a nightmare.

"Hospital came."

I nod getting out of the car.

Dragging myself through the busy corridors of the hospital with an invisible weight hung on my shoulders.

I am typically standing in the middle of nowhere. Same old medicine and sanitizer smell. Same routine of watching people thrashing and perishing on the grounds. Same wardboys hurling pateints inside and out of trauma units.

Rather than going to the gyne ward, I fall on a waiting chair in front of the trauma center.

My legs hurt. Mentally perhaps.

I see people crying, holding and beating their chests. But even their grief felt small in front of mine today.

"What happened?"

I ask an old man sitting on the ground, sobbing while his wife sat there motionless looking towards the ICU as if stuck in a deep trauma. She wouldn't even blink.

"Bacha lijiye beti", he joined his hands pleading in his rural accent. "Bacha ...lijiye humara beti ko. Do ghante pehle chath se kood gyi."

(Please help, doctor. Please save my daughter, she jumped from the terrace two hours ago.)

"Aap chinta mat kijiye. Andar doctors dekh rahe hai na sab thik hoga." I try to console.

(Don't worry. Doctors are checking. She'll be alright.)

Giving a last glance inside the ICU, through the round double glass door, I decide to move towards my ward.

But then I hear the doctors come out, in deep green surgical scrubs and tight caps.

One of them is the senior most doctor of our gyne and obstretics department. Dr. Sujata Shukla.

I hear them explaining to the parents.

"She lost a lot of blood. We are sorry, we couldn't save her."

The father collapsed right there but it was that one scream that shook the entire trauma unit.

That one wretched, ....wretched scream.

From the mother.

"Ambikaaaa!"

The stethoscope drops from my hand. And my brain feels fogged and chest tightens. In a sudden rush of adrenaline I try to barge towards the ICU.

"Dr. Neitra! Are you out of your mind!" I hear my senior trying to pull me.

"I ...need...need to...", my throat couldn't form words.

I tried to action pointing my finger first towards the ICU, ....then at me. Because I just couldn't speak.

"My....pateint.....my....", I gasp.

"There are other pateints too! They are at risk of getting infection Dr. Neitra. Have some control over your emotions."

They scold me.

I realise that I wasn't dressed exactly to be inside the ICU. Not caring about the fact that everyone's eyes were on me, I crash in the changing room.

My hands are shaking violently, fumbling with the straps of the scrubs.

"Let me help you Doctor", the nurse says tying the strips. "Are you okay?"

"Please....."

Please please please not her.

No it can't be her.

With my stomach in knots, I entered that one glass chamber of the ICU.

The one that had her.

Yes....it was her.

It was .....Ambika.

"She had multiple fractures when she was brought here. On the skull, on limbs", hearing the nurse summarise I crash on the chair beside her bed.

Ambika lays on it, covered with many bandages. A big one across her jaw and skull. Her face is swollen ...swollen but calm.

Peaceful.

Serene.

"After thorough check up we found she had an uterine rupture too. She bled profusely from her vagina. A case of placental abruption", her limbs appear dislocated.

Her fingers are slowly turning blue, the same fingers with which she clutched on my apron.

"Mujhe bacha lo na Didi, please."

(Please save me no didi please.)

"She was roughly seven to eight weeks around and there was no way she could have survived a pelvis fracture, but wasn't she just seventeen? And.....

I could no longer hear the nurse. I could only hear the ECG noise.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......

The monitor has that one single never-ending line with no fluctuations. That one line proving that she was no more.

"I don't want to die....didi please....I don't want to die."

And look how she is laying there motionless with her eyes closed.

How will I ever...ever....free myself from this guilt?

"It's a clear case of death by suicide", the nurse says while I stroke Ambika's  bandaged head as if she would feel me.

Suicide? A suicide is never a suicide. It's a murder. And the irony is.....I know the murderer.

"I'll dispose the clinical waste and transfer the body to the mortuary."

I see her picking up the biodegradable bag maked with the tag of clinical waste. But I know what it contains.

It contains the dead remains of the seven weeks old foetus and the broken placenta.

I want to cry. I want to thrash. I want to scream.

But nothing comes out. It feels blank.....devoid of any emotions.

"It's not a suicide.....it's a murder. Call the police! Now!"

And after a long time I turn my face away from Ambika's corpse.

And I give in to the first emotion that comes in me.

Rage.

"Go! Leave the foetus on the desk. Do not move anything."

The nurse nods, sensing the serious situation and scurries away.

Ambi....her body...has started to stiffen, the same that contained life few hours ago.

I don't know for how long I sat near her asking for forgiveness.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

An angry....a real angry Ashok barges inside the seminar hall with the DGP of Delhi by his side.

He glares at me hard.

"Sir!" The sub inspector and constables salute at both of them.

And it fuels my anger.

"Dr. Tiwary has reported an FIR on behalf of the deceased, Ambika Agarwal against.....", the inspector stutters explaining the DGP. "Against Mr. Ashok Rane under the offence of rape ......and sexual assault."

"It's the truth!" I shout.

Ashok's eyes are on me all the time, infuriated and bloodshot.

"How dare you", he grits his teeth.

Ignoring him and all other police staff that has gathered around me, I march towards the DGP.

"Mrs. Nair?" He recognises me at a glance.

"Yes sir", I adress him respectfully.

DGP Krishna Chandra. I have seen him at various events conducted by our company. He happens to be a friend of Papa, perhaps.

"I'm ready to explain everything..."

But he interrupts me in between.

"Does your family know about all this?"

I look at him confused. He raises his phone near his ear, ....and I hear Abhay's voice from the other side.

"What the hell! I'm explaining here how this criminal committed a crime and this is the amount of attention that you all give!"

I shout.

"I need you to arrest him now!"

"I'll kill this bit-" Ashok lunges towards me but the DGP pushes him back.

"We are under CCTV surveillance, sir!"

What if the cameras weren't there.....then?

I glare at him hard.

"So you all won't take any actions towards him", it is more like a statement than a question from me.

They were bought!

I see myself losing again, falling again. In the room full of male individuals, the one I had expectations from, DGP Krishna..

..he had failed me.

"Neitra!" The door opens again.

Abhay rushes towards me, his condition disheveled, probably with worry. But he is not the only one, he is also accompanied by Rishi and Papa.

Abhay grabs me and brings me to himself.

"Are you okay", he cups my one of the cheeks.

"No, it's not me who you should be worried about", I start speaking not just to him but every male present in the room.

Papa and Rishi look tensed too. Papa corners DGP Krishna asking about what went wrong.

"Listen, you remember", I wipe my nose with the sleeves of my apron. "You remember Ambika, the one working in his house?"

I point towards already furious Ashok. It probably won't come out as suave but I really want to spit on his face.

"She was sent here by her school, for a free health checkup we were providing. She was seven weeks pregnant and when I asked her if she had a love affair, she told me...me ....that....he raped her", I point towards him again.

Abhay's and everyone's confused eyes travel to Ashok.

"You trust me right Abhay", I cup his face and turn it towards me in a sudden urgency to be heard when noone was ready to listen to me.

He raises his hands clasping my shoulders. And nods.

"One more time you put those fake allegations on me, trust me....I" , Ashok begins but Papa cuts him between.

"Ashok ji, let her complete. Don't even try threaten my daughter."

Ji? What the-

"Shut your fucking mouth", it's Abhay.

He turns towards me to listen the whole thing while other police officials observe everything unfold.

I recount every incident. Even the one yesterday, at Ashok's home. How he threatened that innocent soul. How he mercilessly raped her. Impregnated an underage.

"She jumped from the roof of her house today", my voice starts to break.

The way it comes out sore as if I have been suffering from a viral cold. It numbs me.

"She died Abhay", my breath shortens.

I feel his hold loosen up on my shoulders. A shock, a terror a numbing feeling gathers his face.

"She died today Papa", I turn towards my father in law. "She told me, she didn't want to die. It wasn't a suicide Papa. It wasn't. Trust me. It's the truth."

I hold his hands begging him to support me in putting this monster behind the bars.

"Calm down, Neitra okay", Papa tries to soothes me.

But I don't need be calmed down. Its him that needs to die.

I leave his hands, and in the whole room I jump from person to person, including ones in my family. I beg to everyone in power, in that room, to hear me, to support me.

Except for him.

Ashok.

He sits on a rolling chair quietly observing the drama from behind his glasses. The glasses that covers all his dark deeds.

"I need help!" I scream when I get no response from anyone.

"Neitra, I trust you okay. Just stay calm", Abhay supports me.

I stop fretting to catch a deep breath.

"Done?" Ashok speaks to me.

But Abhay hides me behind his back.

"Dr. Tiwary", DGP Krishna thinks for sometime and asks me. "What proofs do you have?"

"I have the dead fetal remains, you can match the DNA easily. What else proofs do I need to have to prove my point!"

"Can we see it?" He asks.

I nod like an obedient kid and run outside the seminar hall, requesting that one wardboy to call nurse Shweta.

My foot bounce and I fist Abhay's sleeve waiting for the nurse but waiting gives me more anxiety.

She finally comes.

"I told you to store that bag somewhere safe right? Where is it?" I demand in urgency.

She swallow a lump and starts speaking, "What bag Doctor?"

My hands fall on my sides.

"The bag .....that....had...the ..the dead foetus", please, please, please don't betray me.

"But you told me to.... dispose it right?" She sweats from her upper lips.

I take a look at everyone, Abhay closes his eyes as if he knew this was going to happen. Papa and DGP Krishna look at me wanting a serious explanation.

"Where is the...... body, that girl's....body", I ask but I already know the answer.

"The parents ....took it....they said that they didn't want to delay the cremation."

Slap!

My right hand sting from pain, but it is nothing as compared to the pain inside of me.

I grab her hair and  begin to thrash her left, right and center.

"How dare you!" My voice sounded like that of a monster, as if it surpassed any broken membrane.

"Neitra! Neitra stop! Leave her god damn it", Abhay, Rishi and Papa pull me back while I continue to scream at her.

She lays on the ground caressing and crying over the wounds I left on her.

"I told her Abhay! I told her."

My chest heaves in anger.

She is bought too!

She is bought....too.

"Listen, Neitra. We are under the cameras okay."

I know Abhay. I know.

"See", Ashok smirks. "All the allegations were wrong. I don't know why is she even targetting me. I just met her yesterday."

He starts explaining and my head falls in shame.

I lost. All over again.

"Ambika worked in our house part time to support her father and siblings", how falwlessly he could lie! Indeed a politician. "I would too feel her loss, I used to see that innocent kid in front of my eyes daily."

He shake his head as if deep in remorse. "She was a brilliant kid I must tell you. Even after I was ready to support her family completely, she still wanted to work. God takes all the innocent souls."

He then turns towards me and walks. Abhay comes in front.

"I am deeply disappointed by these accusations Dr. Neitra. You can't blame someone's love affair on me just because they worked at my residence."

I watch my reflection in his eyes. And that smile on his lips. It nauseates me.

"So it's done. There are no valid proofs nor did the parents say anything against Ashok Sahab", DGP confronts me. "Do you know,  Mr. Rane can press charges against you for such accusations. It could have cost his image as a public figure."

The DGP must know all this. But he is still sweeping the crimes under the rug. In a fierce eye contact between me and DGP Krishna I tell him, that his uniform was bought too.

I remember Radhika's voice.

If it burns you turn your face away.

The police the court, they delay.

They can be bought.

It was true. Everything was true.

"You all are bought by him. All of you."

I still stand on my belief.

"It could have been a misunderstanding", Papa says.

Abhay and I look at him at the same time. In disappointment and shock.

"I seek for your forgiveness on behalf of my daughter Ashok ji", Papa's head drops.

"Papa no! Don't you trust me too?" I ask him putting down his joined hands.

"Neitra, when the adults are talking, do not interrupt." And for the first time since I married, today he is talking to me rudely.

I couldn't comprehend what just happened.

"Papa how -", Abhay begins but Papa stops him bringing his palm in front.

"It would be better if you leave right now, you're only making things worse", he talks to me.

Papa?

You too?

"Neitra leave. You have done enough. Let us handle it for now", Rishi whisper yells at me.

Abhay and I both glare at him.

"Is the family drama done?" DGP questions. "Mr. Nair and Mr. Rane, please sort out your differences. If not the police would intervene."

"Krishn, please give us some time", Papa says.

Slowly with light steps I start walking towards the door. Leaving the hall.

"If not police someone else would listen, perhaps the media", I whisper to myself and move out.

The entire staff's eyes are on me. They all must be knowing what I just did with Nurse Shweta. But I just don't care at this moment.

The door to my car opens and I settle in.

Reminding myself of everything that happened today I lay my head on the back of my seat.

Reminding myself till my mind numbed.

Reminding myself, till it suffocated.

I also reminded myself of all the betrayals I got today.

I reminded myself of the last time I saw .......Ambika.

My watch shows six of the evening. Ambika....would probably have turned to ashes till now. She is now at a place that is the safest of all.

Where her lips would smile and not wobble in someone's fear. She would have also have wings by now, like an Apsara.

But the question is, would she have forgiven me?

A screech of tire brings me back to reality.

"The traffic is dense madam, it would take an hour", the driver says.

Amidst the crowd of the vehicles, and blaring horns, I could hear the rings of bells and thumps of  dhols.

The same one I used to hear during mangla aarti in Kashi.

And turning my head to the right, I see Mahadev's idol peeking from the temple on the other side of the road.

"I'll wait in the temple."

The worse thing about healing is, you expect it from the same people who hurt you.

My feet walked on its own.

Like now, I am in front of my biggest betrayer. Mahadev himself. He let me lose again.

"Kaal har!"

(Take my misfortune.)

"Dukh har!"

(Take my grief.)

His temple is filled with devotees chanting for him while I stay silent watching him smile.

"Daridra har!"

(Take my poverty)

"Kashth har!"

(Take my plight)

"Rog har!"

(Take my disease)

"Har har Mahadev !"

This isn't the end. I'm not losing. Yet.

I challenge him again.

The justice would be served. I glare at his figure.

Why wouldn't he do something himself?

"Har har Mahadev !"

After a time when I turn back, the road is empty, devoid of any traffic. Unlike my mind.

There's just my car in the front.

I see a police jeep cross from the front with its sirens on. I