Neitra

"Everyone hates me", I say what I have been wanting to for a very long time.

Chills run through my body which is still sore from the water stunt I did. I crave for his arms and warmth as if I haven't hugged him like twice in past three hours.

It's still doesn't feel enough. It never will.

"It isn't true", he says.

"It is", I wish I could I turn towards him ....and could take his palm and make it caress my head and say, 'it will be okay.'

"Why would you feel that way", his tone crisp as if he doesn't wants me to think so low of me.

But can I help it?

As if it came inbuilt.

I dwell on my thoughts. Should I tell him? Should I not? He deserves to know?

One thing I'm clear about is that he would be anything but judgemental. But what if .....he regards me the same way every other person did.

The pointy silence breaking every second with the ticking of the wall clock raises my anxiousness.

"Who hurt you?" He asks again. This time a little softly.

And then I let the darker side of my life through my lips.

"My mother tried to kill me."

The darkest still left to unfold.

The room is in sudden silence once again. I can't even hear him breathing . Did he sleep?

But my question is soon answered as I hear him, "what the fuck did she do!"

The point to be noted. He didn't ask if it was true. He believed. He believed in me.

And with a soft yank he turns me towards him.

My face to his face. His a little more glowy from the pink shade he is wearing. He smells like me. I smell like him.

"Was it......was that", I watch him frown...unfrown ...frown again. As he tries to grasp what I said.

I cower ashamed. And take him out of his misery. There's nothing left to hide anymore.

"Few years ago I found ....I found MTP reports that dates back to March, 1996, six months prior to my birth month."

He lays on his back breathing deeply.

"Everything was clear to me that day. Every unfairness, every taunt, every discrimination that could haunt, the pain and the negligence...... everything was justified that day."

I see different emotions in his eyes,not the one I expected. His eyes are filled with unfiltered rage rather than than the sympathy I had presumed.

"I am the unwanted Bane of someone's life. The one who wasn't meant to be here. The unlucky.......female child."

I could speak no more. It's the longest I have ever talked and as the memories are replenished, my body pains physically more.

"That's the reason you're so withdrawn from everyone....thinking they might treat you the same."

I nod at his words.

"How can.....and I thought that....god", he rubs his forehead.

"I was rarely .....loved", I complete.

"This is what you meant when you told me that you were abandoned too? Like me?"

"Shouldn't I be grateful for the food shelter and clothing."

"No...it isn't enough. We are humans, we need love to thrive and flourish."

He tucks my wet locks behind my ear and talks softly to me.

"How ....how have you been surviving so much .....so much pain.?"

"Habituated I guess. But it hurts even now."

"Every tear and every torment will be avenged and I swear on the name of my family, I'll not spare a single pain directed towards you", he seethes in anger. His eyes a little watery.

"No don't ! I don't deserve it. It would have been just better if she did what she planned. I don't know what caused the sudden change in her plan -

"Say that again and I'll make sure you witness the worse of me", his eyes even makes me shiver for once. "You need to heal Neitra. Do you get it?"

"No, I just need to forget everything and move on!"

I toss and turn on the bed unable to breathe.

"You're hiding beneath the bed when you can escape through the door, in this deadly earthquake", he says. "Just a little courage and you'll be free."

"It's not easy as it seems", I whisper. My fingers fisting his bathrobe.

"I'll make it for you", he emphasised. "Do you know how important you've gotten for me. I died a thousand times today watching you suffocate yourself to death."

He clutches my face between his huge palms.

"You are saying this because you have no idea what else went went wrong", I affirm.

By the time the discussion reaches here I'm already shaking like a leaf.

"Wait.....there's more", he gasps.

My eyes widen in horror as the memories starts to shoot like an arrow.

"Hold on....you're shaking! Neitra! What happened."

"No...nothing", I stutter and hide my face in his chest, holding him tight as if he would just get misplaced.

"Breathe.....lord!"

His hands rake back and forth my back whispering soothing words.

"Tell me when you're okay right. Relax. You're not alone .....not this time."

"Never go away. Abhay please. Never go away", my words shock me.

And suddenly I see his face as I close my eyes. Cold sweat break on the top of my shivering lips.

"I would never. I swear. Sabka hisab hoga. Mera waada hai tumse."

(Everyone would have to pay. I promise.)

Soon my shivering dies down and he covers both of us with a blanket. None of us let our arms feel lose from gripping onto each other.

"I'm tired of being alone. I'll do anything you say just don't leave me....don't abandon me", my voice breaks but nothing falls from my eyes.

"Jab kisi ka pyar pane ke liye aapko mehnat karni pade to vo pyar nahi vyapaar hota hai Neitra", he says rubbing his nose to mine. "My love isn't a transaction, it's unconditional."

"I remember how my parents used to be so pleased after I got good grades. And dumb me used to think that's the only way you receive love. By doing something for them." I confide into him.

He stays quiet listening to my rants on my family. Fir the first time it feels like a 'listener for a listener.'

"Why couldn't they love me? Was it too much to ask. Was it so expensive?"

"No it wasn't. They have no idea what they lost. They just destroyed a kid's brain. But your soul is still untouched. My love isn't bounded to material."

"You love me?"

"Isn't it obvious...hm?"

"I don't know. I need time." I snuggle close to him.

"Take as much as you want. I'll wait for you my entire life. My love is sufficient for both of us, he says.

We lay unmovable in each other's arms. And sleep consumes me.

सोमेश्वराय शिव सोमेश्वराय

हर हर भोले नमः शिवाय

सोमेश्वराय शिव सोमेश्वराय

हर हर भोले नमः शिवाय

ओम नमः शिवाय ओम नमः शिवाय

हर हर भोले नमः शिवाय.....

My eyes open to the soft chants from the ghat.

Releasing a yawn I stretch myself. Walking into the hall I find Abhay sitting on the couch scrolling through his new phone dressed in a white shirt and blue denim.

"Goodmorning", he says looking at me and smiles.

His eyes however tell another story. Covered in dark circles they gaze at me lovingly. He smells of my bathing wash.

He loves my body wash doesn't he?

"New clothes....new phone ...aha", I say.

"Uh huh the old ones got spoilt all thanks to your carelessness", he teases me back.

I glare at him.

"Acha go get ready, I have booked tonight's flight. We are returning back", he says handing me a shopping bag.

"What's this?"

"A new saree... Banarasi fabric. Meant for ....you."

"You went to buy it? In that pink bathrobe?" I giggle.

His hands fist on the sides of his waist and gives me a pointy but playful look. "I might have borrowed your neighbour's phone."

"Ohh."

"Go get ready we need to take your luggage from your house and return to Delhi." He says again.

My mood shrinks.

"Hey listen...I'm here okay. Don't worry", he cups my face and kisses my forehead.

He puts me at ease. My lovely comfort. My Abhay.

I hold his hands. And stare deep into his face. That soft smile that brightens everyone's day. My sunshine.

"Can we go to the temple first? I mean let's just have a tour of the city and .....will take our luggages few hours before our flight.?"

He asks and I thank him a thousand times. It's so weird returning to the mansion. I would give anything to never return anytime sooner.

"Sounds like the best idea", I say while brushing my hair.

He looks at me through the mirror and slowly leans on the door ogling me in his gifted red saree.

"You look like a new bride", he says.

"Am I not?"

"You are. But more than that, you look like mine." He caresses his chest and scrunches his nose dramatically.

I don't know why he has started acting all cringe.

Its even more strange as I am beginning to like it.

Swaying my pallu I do a little twirl for him, making my freshly conditioned hair bounce.

"Kill me already, doctor sahiba", he steps towards me with his cunning steps.

In the next moment I'm in his arms as he pulls me by my waist making me crash to his chest....hard.

My barely reaches the top of his chest. Damn this height gap. It makes it so much easier for him to handle me.

"Tell me you're just mine", he sniffs my neck.

My breath gets stuck and lips get in between my teeth. "Move away Mr. Nair or I might hurt you in self defence. I can be scary."

I push him away and turn towards the mirror smirking.

"Hurt me and tell me you're mine.

I don't know why but I like it. Scary? My god you're divine." He sings.

I frown looking at him. Hasn't he gotten a little more playful and teasing.

But even I feel the change in me. Something has changed since yesterday. I don't know what. But if it brings us closer I'm more than happy to accept this change.

We walk with each other towards Kashi Vishwanath Temple after locking my apartment.

A feeling of pure bliss. Scent of dhoop and fresh flowers just feels like heaven.

We deposit my handbag and our phones in the locker section and walk towards the Mandir.

"Hell no!" I hear him gasp. "I'm not going in ....not in that crowd."

I follow his eyes and laugh. "It's normal here. It's Mahashivratri Abhay. Don't panic."

"I'm not going in and I'm not letting you go as well", he shakes his head.

Our voice get a little more loud to communicate in this growing crowd that seems to multiply every second. Pushing and rushing onto each other for Darshan.

"We are not returning after coming to this doorstep. It's disrespectful.", I affirm. "Hold my hand nothing would happen."

"What if I lose you in this crowd", he says coming a little closer to my ears.

"Maine suna hai yaha kuch khoya nahi jata bas khoya hua paya jata hai", I yell back. "Now don't delay this crowed isn't reducing anytime."

(I have heard we found lost things here ...don't lose them.)

Pulling my hair in a rough bun, I tuck the remains of my saree while he looks at me with 'are you kidding me' look.

Clutching his hand I pull him in the same crowd meddling with random people chanting "Har Har Mahadev!"

He clutches my hand back and pulls me in his embrace as the crowd pays no mercy. We slowly inch towards the main temple.

He is protecting me from every random push like a shield. And as if it runs in a slow motion, I just gaze at him.

In this frightening crowd the only eyes I recognise are his, restless now holding my hand desperately afraid to lose me. I realise I'm going to be doomed in love as I hold his, back with same desperation.